This is my 1st post and why would I started to blog where basically I'm really a lazy gal who likes to read other people's blogs only? Well...cos something happened and I am feeling really sad where I have no one to turn to for my sorrows.
Well...I'm married and this year is my 7 yr itch in the marriage...I have been with my hubby for 12 yrs including our dating days, all has been well and we are like a normal couple. Nope, we have not have any kids yet. Things really gets tougher where I had my miscarriage 3 yrs ago and ever since our "bedroom matters" has not been healthy.
Eversince my miscarriage, I had developed a phobia of having "s**" with my hubby as I will have a flashback of the whole epi of my m.c. and things will end in a bad way, meaning we will have "incomplete s**" each time, so think time after time, my hubby got a bit frustrated and eventually it has somehow die off in our "bedroom matters" and I didn't really bother by it till yesterday night.
My hubby has some problem with his nose so whenever he sleeps in our room, he will developed blocked nose or running nose or sneezing non-stop kind as he said he finds that the room's aircon is quite cold if not the environment is quite dry etc..so recently, he has stopped coming to bed with me and he has been sleeping on our sofa for a few months. That means, we had not been intimate for many many months till I can't remember when was the last time we had one...
I realised he has changed alot thru out this year and I can't really explained why, u know is a kind of woman's feeling? I have been popping the question that I'm ready to have another baby again and we should really start trying as my biological clock is ticking away and I wouldn't want to be a really old pregnant lady with alot of complications. So he said he is glad that I'm able to put away all my fears and worries behind and willing to start afresh. I told him then he has to start working on it! Days went passed, day by day, month by month, no action at all!
Till yesterday night, I told him tonight is the night that we can really try cos I'm ovulating and he said ok. So we started and I realised no matter what I did he couldn't "perform" and I told him if tonight you can't is ok but in my heart this has not happened before thru out our marriage life..then he said he also do not know why he can't and recently he don't have any urge or wants in "s**" anymore. I was really very upset and was in tears the whole night cos I felt is really my fault to have let him become like this. He explained that he still loves me and didn't do anything unfaithful to me, maybe it's just because recently he is too tensed as he is going to finish his current contract and moving on to a new job. After hearing all this, I'm still crying hard blaming myself for all this. I'm still crying now as I'm writing and I have to suppress my tears as I'm in office now.
My hubby said he will try his best to make things work out and maybe our holiday next month can really create something out of it. I just tell him, I do not want to pressure him and just see how it goes. He said at the most we can go do IVF to have kids, but to me is a totally different thing. How to have a complete family where we are like this? I really felt like a failure.
I really don't know what am I supposed to do now and how to make him feel like before and 2 of us can be happy again and to have a complete family. I have no one to talk to, not even those that I'm closed to. How am I supposed to tell others about my most intimate problems? Now, this is the only place where I can write whatever I need to vent it off without anyone knowing...........is it pathetic?
No comments:
Post a Comment